Complaining About Hubby

My husband, nicknamed Gambit, is a very patient man. He has to be to deal me for 18 years. I know that he's lucky to have me but I do express unpleasantries from time to time (that's PC for complaining, yelling, avoiding fun, being antisocial....................you get the point).

I recently felt the need to vent (complain) about a few of Gambits actions that upset me. If I could have articulated myself at that time I would have calmly set a few boundaries. Instead I was carried away by my emotions and let them control of the conversation. What I thought would be five minute conversation turned into a two hour vent feast where Gambit took many blows to his ego. There was no name calling or I hates yous; instead I insisted that he had wronged me and I wanted him to acknowledge it and make an effort to change. Several times I thought that I should stop because I was unable to communicate in a productive. But I continued because the pent up frustration was leading to recurring depression so I thought that it was important to say it all while I had the chance.

I what I did was whine and blame Gambit for our problems. It was the benefit was getting me in touch with a lot of suppressed emotion that keep my passive and hopeless. Because I did not express my feelings, thoughts and solutions I put everything on Gambit's shoulders. If he did not fix the problem it would not be fixed. If he did not change his behaviors we were doomed to fail. It was his fault and I was a helpless victim...In reality I was a person who has not had much practice expressing my authority and disapproval. When I attempted to do so it comes off too aggressive and so I repent by backing off and becoming nice. This  mistake taught me that setting boundaries is a cure for nagging. Setting boundaries should include asking the action you desire, describing the action you don't like and explaining what your corresponding reaction each action in the future...

...Just in case you are wondering the argument was about how money should be handle, c'est la vie...

During the conversation with Gambit did not feel loving...I felt mean. The conversation did not feel productive...it felt like an excuse to take out my frustration and make him feel bad, but I don't regret it any of it. The things that I said to him were emotions that I've tried to manipulate into acceptable and loving reaction. I tried to make myself in a good wife by being submissive and supportive.When we disagreed I'd usually let him know my opinion but I tried to prove that I trusted him even when he made decision with our money that I did not like. So I did not express myself the way a good wife should...SO WHAT! I've learned through my battle with depression that I have to express myself and to set boundaries when I feel hurt or taken for granted. I may not always do it the right way, but I think that striving for perfection hinders balance and harmony in self. Instead I'll strive to be authentic and honest.

Still I felt bad for Gambit. Even a short session of someone pointing out my faults triggers emotions of self doubt, anger, and sadness. When people critic me I want immediate encouragement through loving affirmations or I will start to avoid that person. My husband however sat there and took complaints  like a champ: he did not interrupt, was not defensive or aggressive, and he never raised his voice. In fact he encouraged me to get it all out because he knew that I needed to. I was scared that he'd become cold and distant and that night he said some things that hurt my feeling but his words were vulnerable and honest and I was grateful for that. After all was said and done he wanted to make sure that I came to bed to lay beside him. He held my hand and wiped my tears.  We went to bed spent, but not angry and I knew then that we would be okay in the morning.

...And we were. He was so loving and attentive the next day: eager to please, lots of kisses and hugs. He wanted me by his side every free moment he had. So to thank him for encouraging me and helping me let go of my hurts I wrote a letter to him titled "Thank You My Love".

Gambit has taught me what unconditional love looks like. Gambit I love you more than I could ever express in words. "Between me and you... I can honestly say...that things can only get better..."

Related Posts:
Thank You...My Love Letter To Gambit-  3L Saturday Love
My Sick Baby- Love, Lust and Life
My Money Secret- 3L TCB Thursday

Sex Is Great, But There is More to Love

hold my hand by Adam Foster | Codefor

My husband has been my best friend for 17 years, but we have only been together for 4 1/2 years. The love that we have for each other has been a constant work in progress, but I am so grateful that it took so long. Why? I think it gave us a chance to develop a strong friendship as our foundation.

I was not a virgin when we started dating but I felt like one; when we started dating I was celibate, going on 9 years. I had a boyfriend for 2 years and we never even kissed, just hugged and held hands. When that realtionship did not work out I found myself wishing that I could just be with my best friend, but I knew it could never work. One problem, he did not want to wait for marriage to have sex, and I did not want to even kiss until my wedding day. The main problem was that I had never looked at my friend in that way. I knew that you shouldn't force romantic feelings, even if you think that person would be good for you. So for more than 1 year I tried hard not to kill all thoughts of us being together.

Then I noticed that he started becoming distant. He stopped opening up to me, barely called, and sometimes sounded irritated. It concerned me and I knew I had to do something to save are relationship. One night, alone in my apartment, I thought of how much I cared about this man but I'd never told him. If you can't tell by now I am a very expressive person; I wear my heart on my sleeve and I tell my friends and family what they mean to me. I've done this with everyone but him.

In the past he'd expressed interest in dating to me and I thought that to tell him that how great I thought he was would be leading him. Now things were different, he barely wanted to be around me, and was focused on so many other girls I knew that leading him on would not be a problem. So with a little courage I called him with the intention of having a 5 minute conversation about how lucky I am to have a friend like him. I called him all right but that's not what happened.

The conversation started off by me asking him if I was his best friend. I don't remember how he answered but I do remember him saying that he never knew that I considered him mine. I didn't know how that was possible; he's the only person on earth that I have told everything thing to, poor guy. Then I started to tell him how much I appreciated him and moved on to I did not know what I would do without him.

Then, without warning my mouth seemed to have a mind of its own; it said things that I had not planned to say, and expressed feeling I didn't know I felt. With a shaky voice I apologized for never letting he knows before how much I loved and adored him. I went on and on about his wonderful attributes that made him basically the best human being I've ever known. How grateful I was for him sticking by my side through some rough periods and how he deserved nothing but the best out of life.

As my mouth open the flood gates of my heart's emotions poured out. I'd always believed that friendship can be a profound love, but this was different. I was expressing was something more than that. Finally after 45 minutes of none stop talking I tried to catch my breath as I waited for his response. I thought he would respond by telling me that we would always be the best friends and that I had nothing to worry about. Instead he responded by saying, "All I ever wanted was a chance."

Still possessing some denial over what had just happened I needed some clarification. "What do you mean?" I said bashfully but with a silent grin. "Let me take you out on Sunday" and I said okay. Though I still felt unsure if we could work, I was in love by the second date, without even so much as a kiss. I'm not bragging, after all it did take us 14 years to get there but it was worth every minute to have my best friend by my side to have and to hold from this day forward.


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