Sometimes I feel like a walking contradiction; one post is about how much my family loves me and the next comment expresses thoughts on being a disappointment to them. The thing is that I could not pick a better family, and they have not had a chance to see me shine yet. For instance I wish that I was closer to my grandfather. It is not a lack of love on either side, it is just that I find myself avoiding my family as a whole. Sometimes it is hard fro me to separate one persons opinion from the family unit. This is not good because I don't think certai8n people know how much I love them. In particular I don't talk to or see or my grandfather. So to fix that I tried to come up fool proof conversation that did not lead to the disappointing,"what are you doing with your life" talk.
My new plan to rebuild bridges was to plan out my conversations before I call people. I try to come up with something of mutual interest and try to gracefully end the conversation before it became too personal. Armed and confident I called my grandfather because I miss him so much. My grandfather answered the phone and was so surprised that I called the first thing that he asked me was "What wrong with you?" I was not at all prepared for that response and just said quickly that I wanted to talk about the current mayor. He said that he did not want to talk about that but obliged me anyway. He quickly explained his thoughts on the matter and asked me what I thought. I was not even prepared to give my opinion but I kind of mirrored what he expressed and did not now how to move to the next topic in a natural way. He asked me what was going on with me. After trying to appear as if I was really considering his question I said not much. He said "Come on, I hardly talk to you and you have nothing new to share?"
I know my grandfather is very smart; I tried to get over on him and he saw right through me. He knew what I was trying to do but I was hoping that since he is a man he would not question my avoidance; in fact a lot of men welcome it. I gave a quick blurb about working for my husband and tried to quickly and smoothly find my footing. I finally shared that I felt scared at the thought of disappointing him. I thought that saying that to him would hurt our relationship even more; instead it cleared the air for an honest and sincere conversation. He said that he'd gotten everything off his chest he needed to and that he just wanted to understand that my life was up to me.
I should believe this already but I needed every word. I needed to know that he loves me and always will and that I should not avoid him because I am the apple of his eye. He proceeded to walk me down memory lane of all the things he did for me and with me because he loves me. I have always know that my grandfather is special and that I'd be lost without him, but now I know that he feels that way about me too! I was trying to avoid disappointment but I instead I was avoiding love, support and the most important people in my life. Though I have felt disrespected by some, I have never felt that from my grandpa. Having him as my grandfather reminds me that I am intelligent, good natured, beautiful and dynamic because of my DNA.
Have you ever disappointed someone who has unconditional love for you? How do you handle it? What do you do when someone you love disappoints you?
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