Hidden Anger Quiz

The problem with hidden anger is that it is hidden. Passive-aggressive actions can be subtle or hard to spot. The quiz is taken from the book Overcoming Passive-Aggression: How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships, Career and Happiness. Take a minute to assess how you're doing. To complete this brief questionnaire, write down on a sheet of paper either "yes" or "no," regarding your own behavior. If your tempted to write down "sometimes," determine the frequency involved so that you can gauge the degree of difficulty your having.

Hidden Anger Quiz

1. Was anger prohibited in your home as a child?
2.  
3. Did you (or do you) struggle to please your parents?
4.  
5. Would you describe your parents as having a negative attitude when you were growing up?
6.  
7. Do you take actions to protect your status quo?
8.  
9. Do you use brief answers or short phrases to express yourself?
10.  
11. Do you smile when you're actually frustrated?
12.  
13. Do others tell you about an interpersonal problem they think you have that you don't see?
14.  
15. Are you ever intentionally slow performing a request?
16.  
17. Do you tell others that you don't understand their request or concerns so that they'll leave you alone?
18.  
19. When you disagree, do yo fell less anxiety by silencing your frustration?
20.  
21. Do you see things mostly in black and white, with very little falling into the gray area in between?
22.  
23. If you see a coworker make a big mistake, do you keep quiet?
24.  
25. When afraid to share your opinion, do you later resent things not going your way?
26.  
27. Do you bristle when others criticize your work?
28.  
29. Do you soothe uncomfortable feelings with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, or gambling?
30.  
31. Do you often feel that problems you encounter are someone else's fault?
32.  
33.  Do you continue an argument past its logical end?
34.  
35. Does fear of rejection prevent you from taking actions?
36.  
37. Do you feel that others can make better decisions than you can?
38.  
39. Have you ever turned in projects that contained errors or omissions that would cause problems for someone?
40.  
41. Do you yearn for more freedom in a relationship but at the same time wish to close?
42.  
43. Have you ever had hard time following the wishes of those in authority?
44.  
45. Do you resent someone telling you how to do a better job?
46.  
47. Do you keep your feelings inside for so long that you eventually explode unexpected outbursts?
48.  
49. When a person is too demanding of you, do you look for ways for him to fail?
50.  
51. Have you put your foot in someone's path because you resented path person's good fortune? 

The purpose is not to give a definitive "score" but to alert you of the presence of your own hidden anger, needs, fears, and things you might be avoiding. The more "yes" answers you have tallied the more likely it is that you're concealing emotions, including anger. Concealing anger makes anyone much more apt to react inappropriately or in a passive-aggressive manner.

Complaining About Hubby

My husband, nicknamed Gambit, is a very patient man. He has to be to deal me for 18 years. I know that he's lucky to have me but I do express unpleasantries from time to time (that's PC for complaining, yelling, avoiding fun, being antisocial....................you get the point).

I recently felt the need to vent (complain) about a few of Gambits actions that upset me. If I could have articulated myself at that time I would have calmly set a few boundaries. Instead I was carried away by my emotions and let them control of the conversation. What I thought would be five minute conversation turned into a two hour vent feast where Gambit took many blows to his ego. There was no name calling or I hates yous; instead I insisted that he had wronged me and I wanted him to acknowledge it and make an effort to change. Several times I thought that I should stop because I was unable to communicate in a productive. But I continued because the pent up frustration was leading to recurring depression so I thought that it was important to say it all while I had the chance.

I what I did was whine and blame Gambit for our problems. It was the benefit was getting me in touch with a lot of suppressed emotion that keep my passive and hopeless. Because I did not express my feelings, thoughts and solutions I put everything on Gambit's shoulders. If he did not fix the problem it would not be fixed. If he did not change his behaviors we were doomed to fail. It was his fault and I was a helpless victim...In reality I was a person who has not had much practice expressing my authority and disapproval. When I attempted to do so it comes off too aggressive and so I repent by backing off and becoming nice. This  mistake taught me that setting boundaries is a cure for nagging. Setting boundaries should include asking the action you desire, describing the action you don't like and explaining what your corresponding reaction each action in the future...

...Just in case you are wondering the argument was about how money should be handle, c'est la vie...

During the conversation with Gambit did not feel loving...I felt mean. The conversation did not feel productive...it felt like an excuse to take out my frustration and make him feel bad, but I don't regret it any of it. The things that I said to him were emotions that I've tried to manipulate into acceptable and loving reaction. I tried to make myself in a good wife by being submissive and supportive.When we disagreed I'd usually let him know my opinion but I tried to prove that I trusted him even when he made decision with our money that I did not like. So I did not express myself the way a good wife should...SO WHAT! I've learned through my battle with depression that I have to express myself and to set boundaries when I feel hurt or taken for granted. I may not always do it the right way, but I think that striving for perfection hinders balance and harmony in self. Instead I'll strive to be authentic and honest.

Still I felt bad for Gambit. Even a short session of someone pointing out my faults triggers emotions of self doubt, anger, and sadness. When people critic me I want immediate encouragement through loving affirmations or I will start to avoid that person. My husband however sat there and took complaints  like a champ: he did not interrupt, was not defensive or aggressive, and he never raised his voice. In fact he encouraged me to get it all out because he knew that I needed to. I was scared that he'd become cold and distant and that night he said some things that hurt my feeling but his words were vulnerable and honest and I was grateful for that. After all was said and done he wanted to make sure that I came to bed to lay beside him. He held my hand and wiped my tears.  We went to bed spent, but not angry and I knew then that we would be okay in the morning.

...And we were. He was so loving and attentive the next day: eager to please, lots of kisses and hugs. He wanted me by his side every free moment he had. So to thank him for encouraging me and helping me let go of my hurts I wrote a letter to him titled "Thank You My Love".

Gambit has taught me what unconditional love looks like. Gambit I love you more than I could ever express in words. "Between me and you... I can honestly say...that things can only get better..."

Related Posts:
Thank You...My Love Letter To Gambit-  3L Saturday Love
My Sick Baby- Love, Lust and Life
My Money Secret- 3L TCB Thursday

Thank You My Love- letter to Gambit

Thank you for letting me talk and vent my frustrations. You could have taken my words personally; instead you put my needs first and encouraged me to speak freely. Because of your patience and love my mind has clarity, my heart has peace, and my eyes have a greater appreciation for you. You mean the world to me, so it scares me to be honest with you about my anger or disappointments. I usually try to avoid complaining about my hurt feelings because of my fear of losing your love, but with out fail you still love me.

I know its hard for you to have those emotional talks. I know that when I get going my emotions are intense and my words can be hurtful. I know that those are the times that I share with you my arrogance, ingratitude, and moody disposition. I'm sorry for that, but I truly thank you for telling me be completely honest, reminding me not hold back.

Please believe me when I say that I love you the way you are; I am willing to do what it takes to make sure you know that. Thank you so much for your honesty and responding with a heart-warming apology. I know you are not perfect, but I can't imagine loving anyone else the way I love you. Thank you for helping me feel more secure about expressing myself, instead of just trying to "wish it away". Thank you so much for holding my hand, kissing my forehead and telling me over and over that you love me.